Ep.76/ How to Brag Better with Meredith Fineman
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Do you hate bragging? Join the club. Most -people hate bragging but you absolutely need to show up and advocate for yourself–let people know what you do. How do you do that in a way that feels right to you? A way that doesn't make you sick? Meredith Fineman, author of Brag Better, joins us with tips on how to reframe the concept of bragging and offers specific solutions for how to post a win on social media and how to showcase your accomplishments when networking.
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Quotes from our guest:
“You definitely don't want to be undercutting yourself by showcasing that anxiety in a way that your reader or your audience doesn't know what to do. You really need to cut out phrases like, I hate to brag, but or self-promotion alert or shameless brag. Those are going to put negative sense. You may as well just not share your work.”
How to brag on social media:
“I talk a lot about gratitude, I think as a great way to share things on social media. I think you can also, so I talk about gratitude, pride, showmanship and the medium of the message. So I was so grateful to be a part of this panel, show a photo video, my other panelists, and then you tag them because bragging better is a team sport and you say you can watch the whole video here. I would love your feedback or not. That's a great way to do it. I was proud, I was grateful, I'm honored, I was excited to be at this event, get this award. You can even say, I can't believe I got this award, but I'm so happy I did. It's okay to share your sentiments and this stuff being difficult.”
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Kim (00:02):
Do you hate the concept of bragging? Well, today, I am going to completely revamp your mind around what bragging is, why you need to do it, and actually how to stop thinking of it as bragging. We have a great guest, Meredith Fineman here, dropping lots of advice on how you can grow your business by advocating for yourself better. Welcome to the Exit interview with Kim Rittberg. Do you work for yourself and want to supercharge your business while still having fun? Well, this is your go-to podcast, part MBA Part Cheer Squad. Every week I'll be joined by top business owners who share the secrets to their success. After I found myself working during childbirth true story, I quit my executive media job to bet on myself fighting the fear and imposter syndrome to eventually earn six awards, an in-demand speaking career and features in Fast Company and Business Insider. Now, I'm here to celebrate all you rock stars betting on yourself, and I want to help you win. Tune in every Wednesday to hear from remarkable founders and don't miss our Solo Friday episodes, a treasure trove of video and podcasting mini masterclasses with me. Exit the Grind, enter success on your own terms. Don't forget to subscribe today and grab my free video tips at my website, kimrittberg.com.
(01:22):
I'm really excited about today's episode because I am a big believer in bragging, and actually I'm going to reframe that we call it bragging, but I am a big fan of advocating for yourself and letting people know what you do. So when I was in high school, I was president of student government, I was headed off to an Ivy League school. My mom was super proud and she would stand next to me and brag about me to other parents, and it was very embarrassing. And this was bragging. This wasn't advocating, this was just bragging, and I would be really embarrassed, but I was polite and I wouldn't be so rude about it. But it definitely embarrassed me as I've become older, not just launching my own business, but even in media as I became more successful in my career, I didn't necessarily always, we all kind of have a job, right?
(02:14):
You have some noun like I am a this, I am an accountant, I'm a lawyer, I'm a this. But no one really knows what you're doing, the level you're doing it at, how hard you're working, whether you've been acknowledged for things. And I really started to accept a certain point that no one knows who you are and what you do unless you tell them they're not going to go to your website, they're not going to look you up, not because they don't care about you, but because they're busy and truly people are busy. So if you know me, you know that I'm basically an optimist and I'm always like, well, people don't mean that. They're just busy. They're not me, and they're just busy. So I think it's important to start thinking about as we're trying to grow our business and grow our career, and especially as women, we need to brag more.
(02:52):
And I think that I coach people on how to create content to grow their business. I coach people on what content you should make, how to showcase yourself as an expert. And a lot of my, not a lot, but some of my clients really struggle with showcasing that. And when I say accomplishments, I don't even mean huge accomplishments. It could be anything like a client win, someone invited you to speak somewhere. I'm very, very passionate about the importance of you showing up because no one knows what you're doing unless you tell them. And I have a phrase that I like. I put it on social media. I think it's really good. Humility does not pay the bills. And truly, I think humility is good in life, but when you're trying to build a business, you're trying to build your career, not telling people what you've done that you're proud of, it's not just humble, it's damaging to yourself.
(03:41):
It really does hold you back. So today's episode, I wanted to talk about bragging, and I'm bringing in a great expert who wrote a book about bragging called Brag better. Her name is Meredith Thyman, and I think it's really important to sort of go into what is bragging, how do we reframe it, how do we brag in a way that we're comfortable with? And obviously that's different for everybody. So I ask her some really great questions. We do a little bit of role playing and all of that. So I think this would be a great episode if you struggle with advocating for yourself, you don't know what to post on social media, you don't know what to say in a setting, in a networking setting to show people that you are really good at what you do and you wouldn't want to come off obnoxious.
(04:19):
This is a great episode for you to listen to. And speaking of, what should you post? I have a great free download, top 10 Tips to Make Video That Helps Grow Your Business and How to Be Better On Camera. You can grab that in the link in my show notes, or you can go to Kim Rittberg, R-I-T-T-B-E-R-G.com/newsletter. I'm bringing in now Meredith Feynman. She's a bestselling author, speaker, interviewer, and executive coach who helps people achieve positive career change through self-advocacy. She's also a communications professional of 15 years. Her book, brag Better Master The Art of Fearless Self-Promotion was published in June, 2020, is now a bestseller that's been featured in outlets from the New York Times to the podcast Forever 35. You can find more about her at Meredith Fineman F-I-N-E-M-A N.com. Okay, I love that you wrote a book called Brag Better Master
Meredith (05:07):
The Art
Kim (05:08):
Of Fearless. So I'm going to start right off with why is it important to brag?
Meredith (05:13):
Yeah, so it's an ugly word, but I've broken it down into a definition of stating facts about your work strategically and cohesively to advance your professional goals and the goals of those around you. So that's at its core what it means. I'm redefining the word, but nobody knows what you've done until you tell them, and you have to be the one to tell them, and you don't want to leave it up to chance. You don't want to leave it up to someone's perception of you. You want to be in control of the narrative of your career no matter where you are in that career. So that's why it's really important to share your work and to share your wins.
Kim (05:48):
Talk to me about the importance of doing it right? Why does it matter that you learn how to brag in the right way?
Meredith (05:55):
Totally. So in book, I break down the varying verbal things that hold you back or how to conceive of sharing this linguistically because I'm a writer first and foremost. But I would say, first of all, if it doesn't work or if you're getting negative feedback, I want you to evaluate who that's coming from and whether those people, whether it's lighting up feelings in them or whether it's really truly a you problem and it's pr, not the er. I mean, you can always say, I was trying something and I want to try it again. Are you open to hearing about my wins? So I want to be very clear, there is no cut and dry, right and wrong, but one thing you really want to be careful of is a lot of feelings, anxiety, resentment, fear, disgust, doubt. If you can separate yourself from those in the idea of being your own publicist, which is also where my background comes into play here, that's what's really important.
(06:51):
You're running a PR campaign and that's the one of your careers, so you can ultimately get what you want. You definitely don't want to be undercutting yourself by showcasing that anxiety in a way that your reader or your audience doesn't know what to do. You really need to cut out phrases like, I hate to brag, but or self-promotion alert or shameless brag. Those are going to put negative sense. You may as well just not share your work. If you're going to do that, I don't want you to, because what you're saying to your audience is, I feel uneasy about this, and that's going to make them feel uneasy. I've seen people do that, and if I'm close enough to them, I'll say, hi, please rephrase this in this way and say, I'm grateful to be here. I'm really proud. Even if you don't feel that way, sometimes you have to fake it till they make it. Like there are days I don't feel proud or I don't feel good, or I don't feel grateful for this, that and the other. But that's something that's just really important. This is a practice. You have a gratitude practice. You have sometimes an athletic practice, you have other routines and habits, and I really want you to conceive of it like this. You don't have to start by when I talk about my work, people think you're on a stage like speaking. Maybe it's just acknowledging your wins to yourself. First,
Kim (08:06):
You were just mentioning, okay, if you're posting online, don't start with self-promotion alert. Can you give me a few kind of roleplay scenarios in which the right way to brag is used? So give me an example of what's the right way to brag on social media. Let's say you got a promotion. Let's say you won an award. Let's say you were invited to speak somewhere, any level of accomplishment. Can you give me an example of the right way to brag in social media?
Meredith (08:33):
Yeah, so I talk a lot about gratitude, I think as a great way to share things on social media. So I talk about gratitude, pride, showmanship, and the medium of the message. So I was so grateful to be a part of this panel, show a photo or video, my other panelists, and then you tag them because bragging better is a team sport. And you say you can watch the whole video here, I had Love your feedback or not. That's a great way to do it, pride. I was proud, I was grateful. I'm honored, I was excited to be at this, get this award and even say, I can't believe I got this award, but I'm so happy I did. It's okay to share your sentiments and this stuff being difficult. Or you could say it's very hard to share your work positively sometimes, but here's my crack at it.
(09:26):
Instead of just saying, shameless myself, shameless promo or whatever, you can bring readers or your audience in on that, but you don't want to push them away. So that's what I would say like an award. So honored to receive this award. There are so many qualified candidates, thank you to the organization I now have. You can add in the showmanship I talk about. It doesn't have to be so serious. I mean, that's easier said than done, but you can be playful, you can be funny. You can say, I now have a great new trophy for my bathroom. It doesn't have to be so serious. Here's the other thing that's just so tremendously important that I'm so passionate about is you don't know who's watching you, but just to say, let's say they're young folks wanting to enter the workforce. They see, oh, she is sharing her work and she's not apologetic for it. It's really important for young women, other people who don't know how to do these things, to see you doing it. You're not always going to know who those people are, but they're definitely out there and say, you inspired me. And that's ultimately all I care about in life. At the end of the day, it's not about awards, it's about who you're helping, at least in my opinion.
Kim (10:36):
Give me another, I'm going to give you another scenario. I'd love for you to help someone brag the right way. Let's say you're at a networking event, you're meeting a new person, and you're telling them about yourself. What's the way to showcase your accomplishments in that scenario?
Meredith (10:50):
Yeah, so what's really important, every single time you introduce yourself, you have an opportunity to be telling the narrative of your career. You have the opportunity to see what's next, and you have the opportunity to showcase your work. So it's really important to think about it in that way versus like, Ugh, I have to do this, and it's so uncomfortable. Instead of like, I get to do this, I get to meet new people. Maybe I'll make a new friend, maybe I'll make a new colleague. Maybe I'll learn about something I didn't know before. I think that again, with not being so, so serious, it's really important. So in that case, I want you to think about who your audience is and what your goals are. So if I'm going into a networking session and I'm working on selling another book, so I'm going to talk about my book, I'm going to talk about my writing.
(11:40):
If there's anyone in publishing there, I'm going to make sure that people know that I had a bestselling book, that I teach people how to write book proposals, that I have a lot of experience with the publishing industry. Now, if it's somewhere want to get speeches and I see that there might be people who work in large companies who would have the finances to pay me to speak maybe then I introduce myself by saying I'm a speaker first, and then whether I'm trying to get business consulting business, then I lead with, I'm an entrepreneur and this is how long I've done it for, and these are who my clients are, get really strategic, and this takes practice, but what are your goals walking into this? One of the things I learned a long time ago was I would go to South by Southwest every year.
(12:25):
The first couple of years I would literally try to give my business card to as many people as possible, meet as many people as possible. And that never ended up well. I ended up with just no new friends, no new clients. It was just a terrible strategy. And I went in the last couple of years, I went and I said, okay, I'm going to work on making two to three new really strong contacts. And maybe that's, as I said, for friendship, maybe it's for professional reasons because you never really know. And I'm obsessed with the idea of the strength of loose ties, which is the concept that a lot of things in your life come from looser ties versus very close connections. And I believe that's a Malcolm Gladwell philosophy, but that's how I really want you to go into these things.
Kim (13:15):
And give me an example of, you were just mentioning, okay, you're at an event and you're trying to sell your book and you're trying to remind people that you can help them write their own book. What's the way that engenders people to like you and respect you and appreciate the quality of your work while not being like, oh, that person just bragged all over me. I think that's where people's concern is. And I agree with you that you have to peel back the layer of being like, is it that you're uncomfortable with it or that you're worried someone's going to judge you? Or where does it come from? Is there a way that you recommend framing accomplishments and the level of work that you're doing when you're meeting someone that doesn't come off obnoxious?
Meredith (13:54):
Yeah, I mean, I want to be very clear that you can't really control people's perceptions of you and you can't control their judgments of you. I mean, I'm annoying as hell. That's part of my personality. That's what I've always been. I'm not for everyone, and not everyone is for everyone, and not everyone is for you, and you're not for everyone. So that's something that's really important to acknowledge. But let's say I'm talking about writing and people like, oh, what do you do? And I'll say, I'm a writer. I have co-written a book. Came out in 2018, I wrote a bestselling book based on tenures running a PR firm called Brag Better, actually working on a new concept that I'm super excited about. And I consult and work with people on how to bring their voices and book proposals to light because I care so much about different voices being featured in our ecosystems. That's how I would say that.
Kim (14:44):
And I'm going to put words into your mouth, but maybe I'm right. I would say, would you say it's more the right way to brag, is to be stating facts and not be hiding from them? I think I'm a big, by the way, I should have started this off by saying I'm a big advocate of bragging. And I like to say my mom used to brag about me in high school. She'd be like my daughter's president of student government. She's going to an Ivy League school next year. And I would be so embarrassed as I got older and I would meet people, and people don't know who you are from a hole in the wall. They have no idea what you've done. They don't know how hard you work, they don't know how successful you are. They don't know how you can help them. It is on you to explain it to them.
(15:19):
So I am somebody who, I always advocate to people to brag, and I know people hate the word, but I'm like, humility does not pay the bills. No one's going to work with you because you're humble. They don't even know what you do. You're too humble. They don't even know what you do. I'm going to say and tell me if you're right. So it's more the right way to brag is the way in which you are stating facts about yourself and also stating how you can help people and sort of take it out of your mind that it's the idea of your bragging.
Meredith (15:46):
Absolutely. Absolutely. Everyone wants to be seen. People want to work, but they want to feel lots of different ways. And I think that what's really important here is to keep in mind that as you said, nobody knows what you've done until you tell them. And they are not going to take the time to look it up. Unless you're a celebrity and someone is going crazy over someone, I don't know who they are, I'm going to look them up, but maybe like, oh, I forgot to do that, or, oh, yeah, I was going to look that person,
Kim (16:16):
See that person,
Meredith (16:17):
What they're up to. But even then, you're relying on someone else's perception of you, which means let's say then someone Googles me, well, I can't control them. This is about controlling the message. And yeah, I mean, you're right. Humility doesn't pay the bills. And I'm always really clear, I use an ugly word because there aren't any other ones. And that's why I created this vocabulary not positively about professional accomplishment because it straight up just doesn't exist. And so there are lots of people who told me not to use that word. I had it written to my book contract that they could not change the title and they wanted to, which I respect, they're publishers, they have a good sense of the industry, but I had a really strong gut feeling there. And that is, as I said, I deeply respect that and I love my publisher, and I'm very grateful that they brought my ideas to life and agreed to print it and back me.
(17:09):
So I redefined the word as stating those facts. But that's really all you're doing. You're not lying, you're not deceiving people, you're not hurting people. Listen, as I said, this is pr, not the er. Now this is really that big of a deal. I'm going to turn some people off. I turn people off all the time, and that's okay. We're all works in progress and we're all just trying to put our best foot forward. So I think if you also give people grace there, I can tell when someone's trying really hard to impress me or we all can, but that comes from a place of kindness and a place of just wanting to be seen and acknowledged. So I think it's even deeper than that and really likes to network that much. Maybe there's good free food, but not usually.
Kim (17:53):
What are some ways you recommend for someone to start small with bragging? I work with people and I help them create content to promote themselves. And I find I have some clients who really struggle with showcasing their accomplishments or just the right way to say it. What are some small ways that people can start showing up and advocating for themselves better?
Meredith (18:13):
So everything I do is around self-expression and and maybe that honestly. So let's get a journal. I love a new journal who doesn't love a new journal? And maybe at the end of the day, put it in your calendar on a Friday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, whatever day you like, whatever day works for you, and write down three things you're proud of that you did that week. They don't all have to be work related. I'm proud that, I don't know, went to the grocery store. I hate going the grocery store or I picked up my meds. I hate going to CVS. It's always a pain. So it could be that too. And you might just say it to yourself. You might say it in the mirror, you might call your best friend. You might call a member of your family and say, Hey, I want to share something I'm really proud of that I did this week and I'm working on saying it to other people.
(18:57):
But can I start with you first? And then maybe you get out to a coworker, maybe then you do it with your boss, maybe then you write something on LinkedIn. I don't know. I think that you start where you start and that's cool. That's okay. This is a lifelong practice and it takes practice. I sound this good and is streamlined with my message because I have been doing it and saying these things for 10 years, and I've tried out different things. Sometimes I'll introduce myself, I'm like, Ooh, I don't think that one landed. Well, let's play with the language there. Let's tinker. And sometimes I'll say something and be like, oh, that landed really well. I'm going to use that. So it's also about practice. It's okay if you mess it up. As I said, none of this is unfixable. And you say, Hey, I'm working on sharing my wins, and that's hard for me, but it's something that I know is really important, so can I try that again? And nobody's going to be like, no, you're terrible. Goodbye. You're just not
Kim (19:59):
Great. And before I wrap up, I had had recommended to me to use storytelling. So you're sort of dropping your wins in by telling a story. So let's say I say to you, oh, nice to meet you Meredith. I'm Kim. I teach video marketing to entrepreneurs. And then we're talking and I'm like, oh, I was at the Fast Company Innovations Festival and I was speaking and I saw this thing happen. So basically I'm doing a backdoor brag and I'm using the storytelling. What are your thoughts on that?
Meredith (20:24):
It's great. I mean, it's seamless. You work that in because what that's telling me is people think you're an authority. You are involved with a large brand like Fast Company. It's a bunch of third party validation. I know that you speak professionally. I know that you have the ability to speak professionally because otherwise fast company, sure, some dinky thing can have you speak, but you might not be great at it. So I know that you're legit. And so I think that those are all great ways to put things together. When you approach me, you're like, oh, I'm writing this thing for Fast Company. That's a very significant brand. And that's my background is in getting press. So I understand the whole point of it is third party validation on my website. I've written for everyone. I've been featured everywhere, and I am very clear about that because it's brand names and it's not always fair. It's not always right, but that's the way the world works. And so I'm sure for you writing for Fast Company, it's a tremendous calling card and I think that it's something that more folks should go for.
Kim (21:26):
Meredith, this is super helpful and I'm sure people are going to get so much value out of it. And again, your book is called Brag Better. I'm going to read the whole title. I'm going to get it right. I know what it is. Brag Better Master The Art of Fearless. How can people find you and connect with you?
Meredith (21:40):
Yeah, so I'm everywhere at meredith fineman meredith feynman.com. I'm most active on Instagram because I like jokes and memes and dog photos. I would say a lot of my Instagram stories are about that. And you can just D me or you can email me meredith@meredithfeynman.com. Everywhere's just my name and I welcome questions, feedback, thoughts, and don't hesitate to reach out to me. I usually respond to most things.
Kim (22:07):
Awesome. Thank you so much. Have a great day. Thank you for joining us. Don't forget to exit the grind and enter success on your own terms. This is the exit interview with Kim Rittberg. Don't forget to grab my free download, how to Grow Your Business with Amazing video@kimrittenberg.com and linked out in the show notes. I love to hear your feedback. Make sure to submit to me what you learned from the show and how you are crushing it on your own terms. Connect with me on Instagram or LinkedIn at Kim Rittberg, R-I-T-T-B-E-R-G. And this show is edited by Jillian Grover and produced by Henry Street Media. I'm your host and executive producer, Kim Rittberg.